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L is for the way you Look at me... [Sep. 8th, 2005|11:40 pm]
So this is what that feeling is.
And this is what it’s been reduced to.
We’re immersed in this language,
swimming in these symbols.
We conjure up letters, lines, really,
for an indescribable feeling.
Something we can only compare
to an electrifying tingle striking every nerve
from top to bottom, bottom to top.
To awakening to clean sheets, a new room, a fresh start.
To returning to that feeling of comfort
when our mothers held our hands in the dark.
How can we name
what we cant even quite place our finger on?
When there’s no mathematical equation,
No scientific theory.
How do we name this thing,
this feeling we lust after, and work so hard to find?
Does it need a name at all?
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O-so-much Sex [Aug. 14th, 2005|09:16 am]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |Killer Queen- Queen]

Okay so finally back from Oregon/Shasta. Thank God cause I've had enough family to last a long time. It was all great fun (even though anni didn't go...bitcH!!!) But there were so many people it was hard to keep track. Shasta was lovely, although the water was luke-warm, but the river in Bend was freezing. A nice change. Clay and I terrorized the ballroom dancing club of bend and there was spulunking and swimming galore. God can barley think I'm so tired. Yesterday, Saturday, we got home and I reunited with Kathe and Catilin right away. We traveled around to the park. Then went to the video store and 7-11. 9:00...how scandalous. Green slurpees= amazing. Matching straws. Smoked some cancers along the way. More scandals. I peed in a bush and while my pants where still down I fell back, luckily away from the pee but unfortunatly into a very painful blackberry bush and some sticky-plants. O-so-Painful. Can hardly sit down. Upon return Had some great Sex. 8 hours straight with no commercial breaks. Sara Jessica Parker isn't as horrible as she may seem. Chugged some RockStars/Monsters, didn't want to sleep when the tapes ended. Left for park to smoke more fags like hip kids. Talked and talked, mainly about sex, actaully. Returned home at 4ish to discover we were hungry and not sleepy. Decided to go to Hank's for bfast around 6:00. Talked for two more hours, then left and realised buses dont run till 10 on Sundays and walked instead. Very yummy. Boy serving food rather yummy too. Anyone and Everyone= 35+. Only way to go. So tired. Can't type, hardly can think. Bed sounds good but no bed. 48 hours of no sleep bitch. Woo hoo. Maybe I can go to Drum Circle today, if I get everything clean.
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Bako/Oregon [Aug. 5th, 2005|03:14 pm]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Tim, wish you were born a girl]

Productive Bakersfield trip. Fought with my dad alot and couldn't get rides anywhere. Why does he live so far away from civilization? Well guess I cant complain since i got to see jeff, jenn, allie and grace. And hopefully more people when I come down for thanksgiving. So I got back Wednesday and I'm leaving again tomorrow (saturday) for Oregon. I am so sick of traveling already though. After going from SR to yosemite, yosemite to mammoth, mammoth to bako, bako to la, la back to bako, a train from bako to martinez, and then driving from martinez to sr, I'm a little sick of it. Maybe thats just me though.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2005|03:42 pm]
Remind me that I’m real,
remind me of reality.
Remind me that I feel,
that I’m who I meant to be.
Remind me that I’m flesh and blood,
bone and brain,
Remind of emotions,
that there’s laughter with the pain.
Remind me that the sand
between my toes is not a dream.
Remind me that my life is
part of some creator’s scheme.
Remind me that there’s a reason to breathe,
to feel, to cry.
A reason to laugh and hope,
to watch for thunder in the sky.
Remind me that this playground
isn’t upside-down, askew.
Remind me that my childhood
was the start of something new.
Something new and wonderful
that I have yet to feel.
Something I can sense and touch,
Something that is real.

July 6th
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2005|02:24 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Family guy...thats not music though.]

wow. it's been quite some time, hasn't it. okay so i kinda stopped writing in this when i (like the hip kid i am) got a myspace...i kinda just forgot about it. but it's not like a keep up with my blog in myspace...so here goes.
update: ever since summer started and marcy's been grounded, i've been "chillin" with kathe and caitlin more often. we've snuck out my window countless times to go to the beach or smoke or whatever. it's been all great fun. but now (praise the lord) marcy's let out of the house, though i still dont see her as much as i would like to, but thats not my fault. um, caitlin and kathe are now kickin it in tahoe, i'm leaving for yosemite on the 25th and bako on the 3rd, and then for oregon on the...i dunno, like right after i get back from bako. so for now i'm just trying to busy myself while half my friends population is gone. yep, thats all for now.
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If you can call it dancing. [Feb. 11th, 2005|07:13 pm]
[mood |creativecreative]

Blurry, unfocused shapes.
That I can distort and focus in the blink of an eye.
Shapes dancing on the back of my eyelids
That are inescapable and misshapen .
They distort and return to their shape relentlessly.

Somewhere a bunny lies.
A rabbit outlined by my imagination and now residing in my rugs.
Only a shape, I tell myself.
Only a rug.

A box outlined in light.
Seventy-five whole watts of it.
So we aren’t frightened by the hall’s darkness,
Or the stairs that are just around the corner.
I can’t open that box though, unless to go out…
I fear not the things around me but simply my Imagination
conjuring up a clown or perhaps the Easter bunny.
It likes to toy with me like that. Take advantage of my youth.
I watch the shapes on the back of my eye lids dance.
If you can call it dancing.
They grown immense and shrink before I can stop it.
But what to do?
To close my eyes is not to escape.
It is to return to my childhood fears.

They’re only shapes, I tell myself.
It’s only your Imagination.
Somewhere, a bunny lies, waiting.
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Grrrrrrrr! [Feb. 10th, 2005|10:07 pm]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Classical]

Worst day ever:
Emotional Hell
In pe I got hit in the tit (twice), in the nose with the b-ball (HARD) and in the ribs...so i was feeling really vulnerable all day...felt like I was gonna burst out into tears when marcy spilled my diet coke...nearly did...And then, wednesday I left my cd's in haumanities by accident...but I couldn't get them this morn cause it was locked...and later I saw my teacher in the hall and I was like, "hey, did I leave cd's in your classroom?" and she's like, "yeah, i saw some in the back, they may still be in there..." me: "did you like, put them in the teacher's desk or something?" (it's not her room all the time...she moves around) and she was like, "no, i didn't pick them up..." And this isn't Ms Chu...she isn't stupid....just a BITCH. She practically GAVE my cds away. So I went in and the teacher whos in there 1st and 5th period, was like, "I saw some kids messing around with some cds this morning, so I hope they were'nt yours...." but at least she was on my side, cause she was alarmed that ms. peterson wouldn't have put them in the desk. But o my god...who doesn't put the cd's in the desk? Bitchy people. Final straw. Yesterday was so fun and then today I just felt so numb. Like I'm not actaully participating in my own life...just kinda moving absent minded-ly. uuuughk. Knew happiness was to good to be true.
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(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2005|10:58 pm]
[mood |ecstaticecstatic]
[music |Dont have any...lost my CD'S!!!]

Happy birthday to me! Yeah-uh...16 bi-otch. Wow, Still totally feel like I should’ve turned 15 today. Wacky. Prolly had the greatest day I’ve had yet since I moved to this stupid town!:
1)Woke up not tired and already in great mood (virtually impossible for me...)
2)Stagecraft was bearable...whenever I think it’s boring I just remind myself..."At LEAST Mr. Kraines speaks English"...might as well not though...I have no idea what he’s saying about microphones and phase cancellation and all that cal...
3)Math wasn’t too bad...Ashleigh kept me amused...and the kids who sit behind us...I don’t know their names...
4)Humanities was easy, kinda fun..Jon did all our work and we talked to Napoleon Dynamite the whole time and he has the most kick-ass selection of music on his I-pod...not that I WANT one or anything...
5)Marcy got to come over...it’s been like, three THOUSAND years!(she's grounded)And try as we might Marcy, I don’t think I’ll ever be immune!
6)May go out for the badminton...that’s right, the BADMITON team.=)
7)Designed and Sewed an awesome skirt that fits Marcy perfectly...so now CERTAIN people cant say she never wears skirts...
8)Made really good cupcakes.
9)Got a Kite from my mum’s boyfriend…sounds weird, right? Yeah, well, I’ve never had one...sounds awesome to me!
10)I was right and Marcy was WRONG! MWHA HA HA HA!

Reasons it was bad:
1)I forgot to save a cupcake for Tyler
2)I LOST MY CD’S!!!!!!!! Many of which were burned by Tyler…
3)Marcy was right an I was wrong...The “incident”...YOU know what I mean Marcy*(how does this happen to us?)*
40 Someone's friend's dad died on my birthday...=(

So really, other than LOSING MY CD’S...it was probably the greatest day I’VE had since the day that I met and fell for YOU KNOW WHO...which was the day before I moved here...coincidently. *(amazingly..enough..)* So great, in fact, that it still hasn’t hit me that I lost 12 cd’s...wow...cant wait for THAT to sink in. O well...will go to sleep not worrying about it….and 16 years old. Crazy.
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(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2005|10:18 pm]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |System of a Down: Bounce]

Ah yes, I don’t believe I’ve ever gotten around to relating to you the “blue bag” incident”:
It took place in Bakersfield over Christmas break, regarding to the fact that at the cash register, there was a sign that read: “6 blue grab bags for $1” at a giant thrift store called “RAD”:
Me: What the hell are “blue grab bags?”
Anni: Hell-If-I-Know.
Emily: I was just wondering the same thing.
Anni: I can’t imagine that I would want anything that could be sold for 20 cents or less.
Natalie: I think we should get them. I mean, that’s like, 20 cents between the five of us. And I want to know what they are.
Me: (to the cashier) Excuse me, what are “blue grab bags”?
Cashier: You get a blue grab bag full of a random assortment of clothes. 6 for one dollar.

Amanda: Wow, when they said “grab bag”, I had assumed you’d actually be able to, you know, hold the bag with one hand. Or at least with two. Silly me.

Turns out these “blue grab bags” were dumpster-size trash bags and each weighed more than all of us combined. The man at the back who was giving us the bags had said:
“If you pull your car around, I’ll get them in for you.” A kind gesture, we would later realize, but at the time we thought, “Douche. We’re not weaklings. You just think that cause we’re chicks. How heavy can the bags possibly be?”

Nothing could have prepared me for it. We could only manage to get 3 into Emily’s car, and we had figured if we didn’t want the stuff inside, we could donate it to tsunami victims. Turns out:
A)There were about three good things in each bag- if you were lucky
B)They smelled indescribably badly
C)You can’t donate items to tsunami victims, cause they cant ship it over there. Only money.
D)The stench stained our clothes and Natalie’s study.

So maybe you had to be there, but by the end of the night, my sides hurt, and even when I think of it now, I burst into giggles. Greatest thing since the “little car project”.
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One stop AAAAAnni Jacksun [Feb. 5th, 2005|12:38 pm]
[mood |crazycrazy]
[music |System of a Down]

Anni-anni-ba-nanny-fi-fie-fo-fanny-fanny...I never get to talk to you anymore! V. happy that you have a job and school classes n' stuffs....but ya gots to keep me up dated on this stuff bi-otch. When are you (or have you already) getting a car? I know that you're pretty busy with stuffs but if your ever on the comp when I'm not home, e-mail me. Hope youre feeling better!
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